sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
