Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
