just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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