the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
