You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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