the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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