How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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