remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
