DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
