god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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