i already hear my dad disowning me
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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