I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
