chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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