I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
