Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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