someone owes me an orgasm
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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