I faked an abortion last night.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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