For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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