ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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