In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
