i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
