I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
