That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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