It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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