I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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