She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
