I met the friendliest cop last night
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
