please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
