There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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