apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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