I want to make a zoo with you.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
