you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
