So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
