And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So. Much. Porn.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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