omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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