The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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