My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
