i would punch a child for taco bell
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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