Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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