I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
