It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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