he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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