I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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