and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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