My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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