Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
