she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
