i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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