I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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