We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
